A Neoconservative Response to the Senate Torture Report


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The Senate has released its report about enhanced interrogation techniques used by the CIA, and predictably, the liberal media is up in arms about the “failure” of these techniques.

Their arguments basically amount to the following:

  1. “Torture” goes against “American values”,
  2. Innocent people were “tortured”, and
  3. These techniques provided no useful intelligence.

Dick Cheney, one of our nation’s leading patriots, has rightly called this “a bunch of hooey”. As anyone who has watched the TV show “24” knows, sometimes you need to use some brutal techniques if you want to save lives.

I intend to respond to each of the three points above and show why they are indeed “hooey”. Let’s start with the first one.

What are “American values”? While different people may have different answers to this question, the ONLY true answer would be those values embodied by our founding document, the Constitution. Most relevant for our purposes is the 8th Amendment, which reads:

“Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.”

Read that again. No “cruel and unusual punishments” can be inflicted upon US citizens. The terrorists that were detained in Guantanamo and other sites were a direct threat to the lives of every patriotic American. It would be cruel and unusual punishment (and thus a violation of the 8th Amendment) to put these Americans at further risk of terrorism by not doing everything in our power to protect them. If that includes torturing terrorists, then we must torture terrorists in order to uphold the Constitution.

Frankly, it boggles the mind how the liberal media can claim to have a monopoly on determining what “American values” are without even consulting our Constitution.

Equally absurd is the idea that innocent people were tortured. Look – the CIA doesn’t just torture anyone. Who would know better whether they were innocent or not than the people who have been interrogating them? The ACLU? The liberal media? Diane Feinstein (D-ISIS)?

But of course, I’m being silly. Everyone knows that so-called “progressives” can read minds, and have super human powers of judgment. That’s how we can know beyond a reasonable doubt that these Muslims are somehow “innocent”.

Anyone with more than half a brain can see that the claim that “innocent” people were tortured is liberal propaganda, pure and simple. It is a claim designed by Barack Hussein Obama in order to divide us and make America look weak in front of our enemies. Our brave law enforcement officers and intelligence agencies don’t simply hurt the innocent – they protect the innocent from the bad guys!

But far and away the most ridiculously absurd of the claims made by liberals is that we didn’t get good intelligence from so-called torture. Where do I even begin with this one?

For starters, people keep calling the CIA’s enhanced interrogation techniques “torture”. Torture – really? The “rectal feeding” regimen that they had these terrorists on sounds more like some kind of fad diet you’d see in San Francisco than torture.

Then there’s the oh so famous waterboarding. Waterboarding is just simulated drowning. As in, nobody actually drowns! How are people missing out on this crucial fact? It’s hardly different from the first time you learned to swim – not the greatest time in the world to be sure, but you get over it.

And what about sleep deprivation? It’s nothing that Boobus Americanus doesn’t do to themselves so they can catch up on the latest antics of the Kardashian family. And the loud noises? Well, most of these terrorists are young men in their 20s. This is exactly the demographic that loves rocking out to heavy metal anyways – I wouldn’t be surprised if they had requested it themselves, and the kindly CIA interrogators were all too accommodating!

I’m no psychic – I don’t know for a fact what kind of intelligence was gleaned from our enhanced interrogation techniques. Perhaps the liberals are right, perhaps we didn’t get any actionable intelligence, and no lives were saved. But if that’s the case, it is purely due to the incredible restraint shown by the brave men and women who were involved in this program.

Yes, they could have broken out the thumbscrews, the electric shocks, and so on – but they didn’t. The ridiculous constraints put on them by terrorist-lovers like the ACLU stopped them from doing what they needed to do. We were not brutal enough, and the release of this report is only going to make this worse.

If making them stay awake for 180 hours isn’t enough to get good intelligence from these terrorists, then how are more “humane” interrogation techniques supposed to work? The answer isn’t to throw our heroic men and women in uniform under the bus – it’s to give them more latitude to do what needs to be done to keep the rest of us safe. It is their service, their sacrifice, that has kept us alive this long. When 180 hours doesn’t work, let’s try 280 hours!

There is a fact of life that the liberal media never seems to learn. If you want to make an omelet, you’ve got to break some legs.


In case you couldn’t tell, the above was satire. That being said, I’ve seen and heard variants on these arguments by neoconservatives over the past couple weeks. It’s terrifying.

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